Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Andrea Speed Day at Bitch Factor 10

We have a special treat today with a visit by Andrea Speed, author of the Josh of the Damned series. Andrea has graciously provided a guest post, answers to a Question or Two an excerpt from her latest release, Peek-a-boo and a contest! Here's a little bit about Andrea before we jump to her post:

Andrea Speed likes to pretend she's mythical, so if you could support that, she'd be grateful. She occasionally writes reviews for CxPulp.com and is still arming the lemurs, even though they still haven't quite grasped handling firearms. Down with the Mole Men!

Andrea Speed Guest Post

Congratulations on choosing Quik-Mart Industries as your new work away from home. We are proud to have you (insert name here) as part of our ever growing family of convenience and quality. Do you have what it takes to become one of our special team members? Take the quiz and find out.

All questions are theoretical, but please take them seriously. Think before you answer, and be honest.

1) A zombie comes into the store, but his clothes are decayed rags. What do you do?

A) Find the nearest weapon and attack it.
B) Hide and call 9-1-1
C) Point out the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” sign, and refuse to serve him until he gets better clothes.

2) A customer reports that rather large dogs are chewing up cars in the parking lot. What should you do?

A) Grab the nearest weapon and go out to take care of it yourself.
B) Call animal control.
C) Ask your supervisor about using special anti-wolf silver brooms to move them along.

3) A lizard man is shopping quietly, when a human customer comes in and sees them. The customer reacts negatively to seeing it. What do you tell him?

A) “I hate the freaks too, but they pay.”
B) “Lizard Man? What lizard man?”
C) “Oh, didn’t you know comic-con was in town? Awesome costume, right?”

4) A strangely beautiful woman comes in and asks you where you keep the blood. What do you say to her?

A) “Die, vampire!”
B) “We don’t carry blood. Maybe you should try the blood bank ..?”
C) “Gatorade is in aisle three. Full of electrolytes, it’s almost like the real thing.”

5) A fight has broken out in the parking lot, and it appears that none of the people involved are human, and this is a fight to the death, where even innocent bystanders are in danger. What, as an employee of the Quik-Mart, should you do?

A) Grab the nearest weapon and join in.
B) Call the police and hide in the storeroom.
C) Lock the doors, hang up the “Closed” sign, and wait quietly until dawn, when the problem should take care of itself.

If you answered A …. everyone likes a pro-active go-getter! But there’s a time and a place for such things, and this is neither of those things. You won’t be a member of the Quik-Mart family for long if you act so hastily. One way or another.

If you answered B … you are pragmatic, which is a positive quality that should serve you well in life. But in these cases, it’s not helpful, and may cause further, unintended problems. Sometimes being reasonable can have unreasonable consequences.

If you answered C … congratulations! You have the perfect combination of can do attitude and logic that we are looking for. You think on your feet and consider all the angles, including what is best for yourself and the Quik-Mart. Welcome to our team!

Note: Successfully filling out this questionnaire does not guarantee you a job with Quik-Mart industries. This does not take the place of a resume, interview, background check, and/or drug test. Also you are not to discuss this questionnaire with anyone. Questionnaires are property of Quik-Mart Industries. No copies, scans, or photographs allowed. This is not a joke.

Note 2: Quik-Mart Industries only exists within the world of the Josh of the Damned series. Successful completion of this form would only help you if you were a fictional character within the series. Even then, it might not be a job offer you’d want to pursue unless you really like cleaning up after werewolves. Seriously, they pee everywhere, and there isn’t a garbage can left standing within a mile of those things. And don’t get me started on the shedding! You could make quilts from the hair they leave behind.

Author’s note: You think your job is hell? Welcome to Josh’s world, where he literally gets to wait on a variety of monsters who all want something different from him. Most times he’s lucky, and they’re only after frozen burritos and beef jerky. But sometimes they’re not, and that’s when the trouble starts. With help only from his hot vampire boyfriend Colin, Josh has to serve humans and monsters alike. At least it’s not the end of the world … yet. But with a portal to a hell dimension right behind the Quik-Mart, Josh is a significant player in what could be a  retail showdown for the fate of the world. Or, you know, just a two for one sale. Too bad there isn’t a section in the employee handbook about what to do about horny yetis.

Excerpt from Peek A Boo (Josh of the Damned #2):

Josh’s first impulse was to scream, but he bit his bottom lip instead. It seemed like a slightly less girly response to the bloody animal corpse on the counter. “Um . . . yeah.” He pointed up at the sign above the cash register while looking up at the seven-foot-tall monster in front of his check stand. It was covered head to foot in shaggy white hair, with two dark holes for eyes peering out from the fur, and a black-lipped mouth full of jagged ivory fangs. It was oddly adorable and oddly frightening at the same time, though it smelled like a wet yak that had been frolicking in a pool of Axe.
The sign on the wall behind him read American dollars only. It said it in English, Spanish, what might have been Chinese, and several languages that looked like graffiti, a child’s scribbling, and precisely-thrown monkey poo. In fact, Josh was fairly certain Mr. Kwon had put up that sign solely to fuck with him. But now that Albino Bigfoot had slapped a dead skunk on the counter, he didn’t know what to think.

Josh shook his head, and his stomach roiled as he caught the stench of dead animal mixed with the weirdly sweet stink of skunk musk. “We don’t accept that. That’s not currency to us.”
The mop monster shook its head, mimicking Josh’s movements. Damn it! He never knew if any of these monsters understood him. Weren’t they supposed to be, like, missing links or something? Shouldn’t communication be easier? Josh pointed at the dead skunk, and wondered if he was gonna be able to keep from barfing. If he threw up, would Bigfoot throw up too? “No. That’s not good here. We only take cash.”
Sasquatch pointed at the skunk like Josh was doing, shaking its head and making little grunting noises that might have been an attempt at mimicking his words. He just wasn’t getting through to the walking shag carpet, was he? “Okay, we’ll take credit cards. Hell, I’ll settle for a geode if you’ve got it, but I don’t want roadkill. Okay? Get it out of here.” He began making shoving movements with his hands, which the ambulatory area rug simply mirrored. Christ on a pogo stick, it was like talking to his one-year-old cousin.
Josh looked around behind the counter and found the broom, which he used to push the corpse off the checkout counter. Not his silver werewolf broom, just the everyday kind he used to sweep up after lizard guys who couldn’t navigate the cereal aisle without knocking the Cheerios off with their tails.
The rug monster caught the corpse before it hit the floor and tried to put it back, but Josh shooed him off with the broom. “Take it outside!” He pointed vehemently at the door, and finally Shaggy seemed to get it, stomping off outside and carrying its carrion with it.

 Contact info for Andrea Speed:

Andrea Speed Giveaway

Question for the grand prize:
What two things does the yeti try to give Josh? Simple, but you'll have to have read the story.

The Grand Prize – The Infected series ebook collection

Send the answer to the question to aspeed2@gmail.com
Put "Bitch Factor 10"  and Contest Answer in the subject line.

More of Andrea Speed  in Question or Two


  1. I enjoyed the post and excerpt. I look forward in continuing this series.

    Tracey D

  2. Love the guest post. I found out that I am hasty. Too fun!
    -FABR Steph@FiveAlarmBookReviews


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